Saturday, April 30, 2011

Note to self: Dye hair before next pap smear visit

I threw caution to the wind recently.

It took off like a bat out of hell, never once looking behind it or faltering in step - such was it's haste to escape from my clutches.

It had been waiting to be released for a very, very long time.

I let myself be happy again.

And let me tell you, it was bloody beautiful.

I had been afraid, so very, very fearful I would never feel it again. That was one of my biggest fears, that I would never be able to appreciate the beauty of the world, of life.

I had kept life in a box for the last few years, stowed it away in a deep and dark corner to gather dust and didn't think I could bring it back out and open it.

Look at it, appreciate and love it again.

I even seriously considered taking anti-depressants, something I had toyed with but always dismissed. I love my family but I was terrified of the thoughts in my head - the guilt, the fear, the boredom and hurt. I didn't know what to do anymore.

My looming 40th birthday only seemed to exacerbate it, heightening all my worries. I wanted so much to return to the past.

When life was slower.

And the world was at my feet.

When I could have been anyone and done anything.

I was invincible.

Back then..

Yet, depsite my fears something happened.

Something I hadn't experienced in what seems forever.

And it had happened without me even realising it till just now.

Perhaps it was the bright autumn sunshine, or the many family gatherings over the five day Easter break. Or just the joy of the kids playing together.


But I found lucidity and peace.

And I remember celebrating my birthday, taking off my shoes and having my toe stomped on whilst linking arms with complete strangers to sing Frank Sinatra's "New York".

"If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere, it's up to you, New York, New York".

I may older, the carpet may be matching the curtains and gravity is doing it's utmost to play havoc with my body but I feel as though it's my time now.

I can make it and it's up to me.

I don't know how long this feeling will last.

But I'm holding onto it for dear life.

With all my heart.

1 comment:

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Did the feeling last?

It never lasts long enough for me. But a peep of it takes me a long way. Fills me with hope.

Hope that one day it won't be a surprise when it is inside me.